Crack Stories For The Soul
by Jillessa Heronstairs
Summary: Written during the late hours at night, these short crack fics revolve around OC characters, and tell preposterous tales that would probably never happen, even if dinosaurs come back to life and eat everybody. Enjoy. :)
1. The Stripper Ghost Puppy

**This is basically a compilation of short OC crack stories from my rp. Not all characters are mine, and every character is almost always completely out of character, to an extreme.**

 **Basically... Prepare yourself for a crappy load of nothingness. But it's still fun to write.**

 **My characters: Aria, Shae**

 **Mortalshadowhunter's characters: Quinn, Cole, Daemon, Piper**

 **SilverJem5's characters: Steff**

* * *

 **Crack Stories For The Soul**

 **We're Having A Baby Dog**

"Oh, Quinn," Aria sighed, pushing the drapes aside to the grand window facing the street outside the Institute. "Isn't the weather and everything just so wonderful?"

Slipping his arms around her waist, Quinn buried his face in her neck, and nodded. "It sure is." His hands slipped over her stomach, stroking the skin just below her belly button. "Can you believe that-"

"I'm getting another dog?!" she exclaimed, jumping up and down, stopping when she heard him groan in pain. "Oh dear. Did I hit you in the face?"

"Your hair is just too hard," he smirked, pulling away and giving her a doggish grin. "Unlike certain other things, that are expected to be hard, especially in the presence of such a lovely lady."

"Stop it," she frowned, pushing him gently in the shoulder. "I'm the one who's supposed to come up with all the dirty jokes around here."

"And what's stopping you from it?" he smirked. Sitting down at the couch, he pretended to play hard to get. "If you want a piece of this-" he motioned to himself with his hands, "-Then you're going to have to come get it yourself."

"Of course, darling," she replied, rolling her eyes at his request. Pulling her long sleeve shirt over her head, she used her Shadowhunter skills to bind his wrists together. Sitting down astride him, she pushed his face to the side, averting his gaze from her chest and her camisole and shorts.

"How dare you. You should know better than to mentally undress me when I've got you tied up like this," she smirked, "It's like you've learned nothing g the past many times."

"I'm sorry," he apologized, casting his eyes downward in an apparent look of apology. "It was wrong of me to do so, and I sincerely apologize for all your pain."

"Now say it," she replied, patting him on the head to signal that she had never really been angry in the first place, but had only been kidding around. "Say it or I'll tie you to the chair, and then hang you upside down."

"Yes, Queen Aria," he laughed, giving in to her. Girls expecting dogs were so hard to please sometimes. "How I worship thee. I will forever be in awe of your greatness, until death do us part. I give you my solemn swear to do as you please, no matter the risks or consequences."

"Good," Aria congratulated, clapping her hands together. "When my puppy arrives, I'll let you play with him."

* * *

 **Dear, We've Run Out Of Flour**

"I have quite a strange favor to ask," Cole said over the phone, sitting in a rather luxurious hotel room in a nicer area of the Downworld Towns. "And I'm afraid that you're going to have to keep all of it a secret."

"That's alright, Cole," Steff replied, twisting her braid around one hand. "What do you need?"

"Well, I honestly need a sack of flour," he replied, tapping his chin. "If you could go to the supermarket and buy me one, I would appreciate that, love."

"Oh, of course! I'll do that right away and bring it to you," she exclaimed, sticking the phone into her bra and running out the door to fulfill his wishes.

"... Hello? Hello?" he repeated, wondering what had happened to her. Shrugging, he eventually hung up the phone and sat back in his chair, waiting for her to arrive. Luckily, he didn't need to tell her where he was staying, as he had planned a couple rendezvous dates before. He had no doubt that she would be able to find the place.

After thirty minutes, a knock came at the door, and Cole opened it to find Steff standing outside, carrying a fifty pound sack of flour that was quite literally almost the same size as her. "I got your flour," she said, gasping for air in her tired state. "How big of a cake are you making?"

"I'm not making no damn cake," he smirked, giving her an are-you-crazy look. "I've got other uses for this flour."

"Well, okay," she shrugged, standing back as he reached out and took the sack of flour. "But I stole it, so you should probably not use it all at once or people might think that you stole the flour to make a giant fifty pound cake."

"I'M NOT MAKING A CAKE!" he screamed, and dragged the bag away, to the bathroom. Setting the plug in the bathtub, he proceeded to dump the entire contents of the bag into the tub, then turned to Steff, who was watching him from the doorway. "Close your eyes, babe. This is about to get graphic."

Without waiting for her to respond, he ripped his clothes off, then jumped into the bathtub full of flour.

"What are you doing!?" Steff shrieked, staring at him. "We could have at least saved a little bit to make a cake!"

"I'm much tastier than a cake," he deadpanned, smearing flour all over his body. "Besides, I have an idea. You know how everyone thinks I'm dead, so I have to be on the run?"

"Um... Yeah...?"

"Well, I don't have to be on the run anymore. I can pass as a ghost."

* * *

 **Strip For Me**

"I have exciting news," Daemon announced, having called for a meeting with him, Aria, Shae, and Piper. "I'm going to become a stripper."

Mouths fell open around the room, and eyes stared at Daemon as if he had grown two more heads while standing in front of them. He stared back at them with a slight smile playing on his lips, unaware of the commotion he had just caused.

"... But... Why?" Aria asked softly, lowering her eyes so she wanting looking him straight in the eyes. "Why are you deciding to do... That?"

"It's my true calling," he replied with a grin, clasping his hands in front of him. "Imagine... Losing all of those clothes,then replacing them afterwards. Doesn't that sound so awesome?"

"It is pretty cool," Shae piped in, standing up and throwing an arm around his shoulder. "As a fellow stripper, I can show you the ropes and teach you some of my trips. Don't worry, in a few weeks you'll be an expert, always knowing exactly what to do, and also when to do it."

"Cool!" he said, giving her an awkward side hug. "It's always hard to me to get the pants down those sexy legs. They're much too stiff sometimes, but I suppose that comes with practice."

"I've... Had enough!" Aria screamed, covering her ears. She glanced at Daemon. "I thought you were a normal kid who didn't talk much and was awkward! Now you're becoming a stripper?"

"Deal with it, bitch," Shae scowled. "It's only another point for the wild side." she tripled a hand down Daemon's side. "And from the feels of it... He's not too bad looking."

"I'm a size medium," he piped up. "So most of the people I'm dealing with are going to be wearing the same size clothes as me."

"Whatever," Piper groaned. "Are you almost through talking about your life and the pitiful events that fill it? I've got to go tell everyone about Emily and Khoi having sex on the kitchen counter. Except that didn't actually happen, so first I have to go make it happen. Do we have any faerie drugs?"

"Girlie," Shae laughed, covering her mouth with one hand as she leaned towards Daemon. "This guy is hot. Let's not ruin it with graphic images of someone having sex in a place that dozens of people have before. You couldn't even have said, against a wall or something? It had to be on the kitchen counter? How cliche."

Daemon stayed silent for the rest of the conversation. How in fact, was he going to tell them that he had gotten a job as a sales associate, and that his main duty was to undress and redress the mannequins?

He decided not to.

* * *

 **Well... All I can say is... I hope you didn't hate it.**

 **~Jillessa Heronstairs~**


	2. Cherry Red Spider Potatoes

**My characters: Alex, Dominic**

 **Mortalshadowhunter's characters: Evande, Cole, Riku**

 **SilverJem5's characters: Steff, Mason**

* * *

 **All The Pretty Little Teeth**

"Happy Halloween, Evande," Cole and Steff said, and arm wrapped around each other's back as they held out a large bag to the boy standing in front of them. "We got this for you, for being such a good little boy this year."

Evande jumped at the sight of a gift, pulling the bag from Cole's hands and dumping the contents onto the floor. "Ooh! Cherry lollipops! You guys are my favorite! We should go the moon and release these and see in the aliens like them too. Beep. What if I'm an alien?"

"Is that what you're going to be for Halloween?" Steff asked gently, tipping her head to the side, as Cole left to the kitchen. "Are you planning to dress up like the mundane children and go trick or treating?"

"Yep! And I'm going to be the best alien out there!" he shrieked, so loud the Steff had to cover her ears to avoid getting hearing loss. "Guess what the name of the alien I'm gonna go as is!"

"... Shrek?"

"No, silly. The tooth fairy!" he replied, jumping up and down.

"Did I hear someone say tooth fairy?" Cole asked, coming back into the room, carrying a salami sandwich. "I have some teeth for you, if you'd like."

"Really? What kind?" Evande asked in earnest, going up to Cole and wrapping his arms and legs around Cole's leg. "Whale? Dinosaur? Frog?"

"Mine," he said, pulling out a very wet pair of dentures, then handing them to Evande. Removing the fake teeth revealed his own pearly white ones, and he flashed a smile to Steff. "Part of my disguise, you know."

"You're dead!?" Evande screamed, backing away in thinly veiled terror. His hand clutched around the bag of lollipops, before he hid them behind his back.

"Of course. See this line around my neck?" Cole asked. He pointed to the red marks made of lipstick. "This is blood. I hung myself. I died. The end. And then I came back to life again, just to haunt you."

"He's kidding," Steff quickly assured Evande, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "The flour just wore off. He's really just a ghost."

"Yeah," Cole grinned, reaching deep into his pocket. "Now count to five, and close your eyes. When you stop counting, I'll be gone."

"Okay... One... Two... Three... Four... Five!"

He opened his eyes.

Nothing remained in front of him but a thin dusting of flour on the floor.

Evande's eyes widened.

"Damn bastard," Steff swore. "Now he's a street magician, too?"

* * *

 **Don't Judge A Book**

"Help!" Riku screamed, jumping onto the kitchen table and pointing at a miniscule moving speck beneath him. "It's come for me! It's getting closer! Help! Help!"

"Alex, to the rescue!" Alex declared, running into the kitchen, wearing a snazzy black and white suit. "Solving crimes day and night. Now, missus, what seems to be the problem here?" he asked, looking up at Riku. "Hot guy alert? Babe in town?"

"No!" he replied, shaking his head violently. "There's a spider! Right there! Kill it kill it kill it!"

"Well," Alex replied, taking out a magnifying glass to survey the scene. "I've got a little bit of a problem. I don't seem to see any spider. Here, I've only found a paperclip, three pennies, and a giant ball of lint. Now, where were we?"

"Oh... So no spider?" Riku said sadly. "I was hoping to keep him as a pet and cherish him forever... But now..."

"Fear not! For I shall be your pet. I shall follow you around, day and night. Barking and petting not included," Alex declared, getting down on all fours and chewing on Riku's shoelaces. "Isn't this exciting?"

"Of course!" he exclaimed, clasping his hands into front of him. "I've always wanted a pet Alex. Now, we can have ice cream and frozen yoghurt all the time!"

"Woof," Alex barked, taking the shoe and standing up, before dashing away. "I'm sorry, my love, but duty calls! I must flush this show down the toilet and make a mess doing so!"

"... I liked that shoe," Riku frowned. "But oh well, I must teach you a lesson, naughty pet!" Grabbing a spread bottle from the cabinet, he ran after Alex, squinting him with water at every turn.

"OWWWWW!" he screamed, dropping the shoe and curling up into a fetal position. "IT BURNSSSSS!"

His eyes began to tear up, caused by the lemon juice that had been in the spray bottle.

"Thats what you get, Idiot!" Riku yelled, shaking Alex on the head with his shoe. "Don't you steal my shoes again of I'm tie you up with my wig!"

Alex glanced up. "Your wig?"

"Damn right," Riku replied, making a face. "Just look right on through this exterior. I'm actually a dude."

"... You serious?"

"Of course. Would any girl care to look this stupid while wearing this get up?" he asked rolling his eyes quite dramatically. "Well... Basically I'm a drag queen. Only a really really old timey drag queen."

" Why do you dress like that?"Alex asked, suddenly calm.

"I just really like wearing bras and tights, dummy."

* * *

 **Poh-tae-toe, Poh-tah-toe**

"You're seriously pissing me off," Dominic frowned, glaring at Mason over his newspaper. He sat reading at the counter in the kitchen, and Mason stood by the fridge. He held a bowl of grapes in his hands, casually tossing one after another at Dominic. Smashed grapes littered the ground behind him.

"You deserve to be pissed off," Mason replied in a snotty voice. "You stole my girlfriend. You hear me? You stole my girlfriend."

"... Your girlfriend?"

"She was perfect. Round, brown, and had tens of eyes," he gushed, clasping us hands over his heart. "And you stole her. AND ATE HER."

"I'm sure there's many more fat tan demons around," Dominic sighed, running a hand through his hair. "But for the record, I never ate any of those.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Mason blinked, his gaze hardening on the plate in front of Dominic. "My girlfriend. Remember the baked potato you had for lunch?"

"... Your girlfriend was a potato? Why?"

"Dem sexy potatoes," Mason shrugged. "But alas... I'll never fall for such a lovely creature again. My heart has been silenced! Bells will ring no more! I-"

Mason's voice stopped suddenly, and his looked around in confusion, then his eyes adopted a blank stare.

Meanwhile, Dominic was concentrating hard, combining the memories of both Mason and a potato. "Congrats, brother," he smirked, flashing a grin to the confused potato-man standing in the kitchen. "You now think you're a potato."

He got up from his chair, picking up a ten pound bag of spuds from the corner of the kitchen, and brought it over to Mason.

Mason as a potato was just plain hilarious. He waddled over to the sack, tearing it open with short, jerky movements, before he succeeded, and the potatoes all fell into the ground.

Avoiding the male potatoes, since he somehow knew how to tell potato genders apart, he sorted through the female ones, until he found one that he liked. Picking it up, he quickly stuffed it into his pants, and looked up at Dominic.

"That's good enough," Dominic shrugged, letting go of the hold he had and allowing Mason to be in his right mind. "How are you feeling?"

"Potatoey," he replied, looking around with a confused expression as he saw the potatoes in the floor around his feet. "What's this about?"

"You were a potato. And you found a new potato girlfriend.

"Really?" Mason gaped. "Where is she?"

"Have you like, not felt the potato in your underwear yet?!"

* * *

 **Yup. That actually happened. IJK.**

 **~Jillessa Heronstairs~**


	3. Dress Up The Butterfly Fudge

**Kay... Sorry for the crappiness of these three stories. I rushed and got bored.**

 **My characters: Aria, Akira, Shae**

 **MortalShadowhunter's characters: Aspen, Zander, Quinn**

 **SilverJem5's characters: Caleb**

* * *

 **Butterflies, Butterflies, We Were Meant To Fly**

"Darling," Aspen purred, his hand stroking over the wings of the delicate creature nestled in his palm. "Whatever has been done to you? That bastard Akira, or that crazy hot chick Zander?"

The butterfly in the palm of his hand fluttered weakly, its wings bleeding and oozing liquid. It was dying quickly, and Aspen stated at it like it was a foreign creature. "My dearest, beloved, how I hate thee. Now, go on and die! Die like you were in 9/11!"

"Well," Aspen said after a minute, staring at the dead insect. "Better not waste a fine specimen like you..." picking it up by its ripped wings, he stuffed it into his mouth and chewed. "Delicious. Fresh dead butterfly."

Seeing Zander approaching, he ran over.

" Zander! Do I seem any different to you? See, I just ate a butterfly. And it was damn delicious. Wanna go find some butterflies to eat like me? Maybe I'll grow some super special wings and I'll flutter like a butterfly and live like a Faerie. Wouldn't that be so fun?"

"Ahh... Not so much," Zander blinked, making a face. "I don't think that eating butterflies will make you grow wings."

"You never know!" he shrieked, slapping Zander across the face, though his palm hit the other boy's skin lightly. "I have magic butterfly powers!"

"Ow," Zander swore, covering the side of his face. His wolf, which had been by his side piped up and barked at Aspen, standing up for his favorite person around. "What was that for?"

"I was testing out my strength and agility," Aspen replied happily. "I think I'm gaining powers by the second from the magic butterfly. Can you feel them? Are they emanating from me? Can you absorb them through your skin and feel the burn, the power of my amazing power?"

"Uhh... Am I supposed to?" Zander blinked cluelessly. "I don't know what you're talking about, sorry. But... I should... Go get the wolf something to eat. He's been running around all day."

"Let me use my magic butterfly powers?" he shouted, spinning I'm a circle and grabbing the wolf by its fur. He tried to drag him away, but the wolf stayed stubbornly by Zander. "What's wrong with you, you, dog?!"

"He's... Sort of attached," Zander explained, making a face. . "He'll only go with new people if you give him a great big kiss on the lips."

"Gross," Aspen scowled, letting go of the wolf and dusting his hands off. "He'll be sorry he missed getting with this pile of hot stuff."

* * *

 **Let's Make Fudge**

"You got a rune from Amie too?" Quinn said in surprise, looking at Asia's arm. It beared the same swirling rune that his arm did, and he looked at in in wonder. "Wow. I wonder what it does."

"She said something about a bleep bleep rune," Aria piped up, looking at Quinn with big eyes. "Maybe that's what it is?"

"A bleep bleep rune?"

"Well... She said two different words... But they're not really words I think I should say," she replied awkwardly, leaning over and telling Quinn in the ear what Amie had said.

"That's what she said? That's not bad at all," Quinn blinked. "You could always have just said it in Spanish. Hacer amor something."

"True. There's only one problem, though. I don't particularly know Spanish. Besides, it was a bad word. I don't want to say it!"

He placed his hands on her arms. "Say it. I'll make you say it."

"Don't make me! I don't want to, Quinn!" she cried, twisting out of his grip. "You're word raping me!"

"Pleased to do that," he smirked, poking her in the forearm. "I very much enjoy word raping you. Now, say it!" he shouted, shaking her back and forth.

"Fine! She said... She said "Let's fudge!"

"Good," he said, pleasantly surprised. He took her hand, pulling her into the kitchen and over to the cabinet. "What kind of ingredients do you need to make fudge? Milk and chocolate, right?"

"I... I don't know... I've never made fudge," she admitted. "Wasn't really my thing back in Portugal."

"Well,making fudge is different every time," he smirked, getting out some land and placing them on the counter. "And each time it's very interesting because it's with a different person."

She blushed, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Quinn... We really don't need to make fudge... We can just eat chips or something."

"But I want to have fudge," he complained, running his hand through his hair. "What can I do to convince you to fudge with me?"

"Um... Teach me how to make fudge?" She said, unsure of herself. "at don't really know if this is a good idea..."

"Why not?" he blinked, pulling out a bar of chocolate. "Fudge is good."

"Fudge is scary," she countered. "And bad sometimes. For your health."

"How is fudge had for your health?"

"You might get addicted to it?"

* * *

 **Playing Dress Up**

"I have a surprise for you," Shae said, tucking her hair behind one ear. She poked Caleb in the back, trying to get his attention. "Do you know what we're going to do today?"

"Train?"

"No, stupid. We're going to play dress up. I mean, you can mostly fit my clothes... You're too damn skinny, but that's another story. Anyway, I'm going to dress you up in all my clothes so I can see what looks best."

"... Why can't you just try them on and I tell you how they look?"

"Baby, I don't trust your sense of fashion," she laughed, and he joined in, shrugging because he knew she was right. "Anyway, you in?"

"... Fine. I'll do it," he frowned, stepping closer to her. "what do I have to do? Is this going to be really embarrassing?"

"No. Just some dresses and bikinis and things and g strings," she replied, tossing him a box.

He took it and opened it, pulling out a handful of lacy fabric. "I don't know where half of these strings go," he replied, staring at them in disgust.

"Probably if you're wondering, it goes up your butt," she giggled, taking one and showing him how it was supposed to go. "There. See? Do you need me to model it or something before you model it for me?"

"That's would be nice," he smiled, giving her his best puppy dog eyes. "And then I would tell you exactly how sexy you look in it?"

"Hey. Don't get fresh with me. That's my thing and only my thing. I like you more when you're all awkward," she laughed, tapping him on the nose. "And besides. I know exactly how hot I look in these. They're the ones I wear at the club.

Gagging, Caleb dropped a handful of them onto the floor. "You mean all those weird people you've slept with have seen you in them?"

"Well, yeah. But you just called yourself a weird person," she frowned. "Because I slept with you. Sheesh."

"Im taking these," he declared, taking the box and storming out of the room. "And I'm gonna go burn them."

"Have fun," she said, waving at him as he left. "I have four other boxes of underwear in the closet."

"Good God, lady! How much underwear do you need?"

* * *

 **I sincerely apologize if any of these were offending. :/  
**

 **~Jillessa Heronstairs~**


End file.
